Stealth Expectations

Vinutha Mohan | 7 min read · Sep 25, 2023

The most festive season in the Hindu calendar is beginning soon with the celebration of the sacred feminine for nine nights called Navrathri followed by the festival of lights — Diwali. Thanks to shows like Never Have I Ever, people are more familiar with the Indian cultural festivals. I recently sent out an invitation to all my friends in the community for the Navrathri celebration and it was very crisp and clear on what I expected from the invitees, the time, duration, commitment, and so on. I also gave everyone the option of declining the invitation if they could not meet these expectations. People usually have a varied set of reactions to my invitations. Some love it because I make my expectations so explicit and they know exactly what is asked of them. Others find it too aggressive. Some are amused, some are in awe that I can actually pull off such stunts, and perhaps there are myriad other reactions within them that I haven’t mentioned.

What I have noticed though across all cultures is that we have a hard time defining and communicating our expectations and this causes serious damage to our relationships both personally and professionally. Allow me to explain why. The shame researcher Brene Brown says that one of the most underestimated emotions, in terms of disconnection and pain they cause in relationships, is disappointment. The pain of disappointment can range from mild hurt to anger, and sometimes lead to raging humiliation.

Brene defines disappointment as unmet expectations. When you deeply sit with the pain of disappointment, you will notice that it always starts with expectations. Expectations fall into two categories — stealth expectations and expressed expectations.

Stealth Expectations: Stealth expectations often stem from unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations. These are the most dangerous traps to fall into in any relationship and cause severe damage over the long run.

Why are stealth expectations dangerous?

Brene points out that when we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they are going to look. If you have an active imagination, you are going to make a mini movie in your head of the sights, sounds, smells, taste, and feel. We will even add scripts for others — what they will say, sense, feel, and so on. We then get very attached to the movie we create and excitedly look forward to realizing it. Sadly, this movie’s success is dependent on many factors outside of our control. It depends on many variables cooperating with the script in our mind. As we all know, seldom does that come true. Why? Because while the movie in our minds maybe Oscar worthy, no one else knows their assigned parts, dialogues and what is expected of them. Depending on how much energy and time we spent in creating this movie in our head, it can lead to mild discomfort or severe spiral in shame, hurt and anger.

Such movies can range from simple everyday expectations or grandiose fairy tale fantasies. Consider the following examples that I have often heard from clients:

A couple comes home from work after picking up the kids from daycare. Wife runs into the kitchen to start dinner for the hungry children and husband plops on the couch and turns on the television to watch Monday night football.

A college kid is coming home after three months and the parent has slaved over the stove and prepared an elaborate dinner to welcome him/her home, only to find out that they already made dinner plans with their friends.

A young woman is excitedly waiting to spend time with her friend who is visiting her from out of town for a weekend. She is taken by surprise when the friend shows up with her boyfriend and proceeds to tell her that he too will be sharing the space with them, not for just a weekend, but for a few days.

Your boss calls you into his office and you walk in excitedly hoping to receive the news that you have been promoted to Vice President and instead he informs you that you are fired.

You have been planning your wedding day since you were five years old and when the time comes, your future in-laws hijack the entire plans and do it their way.

I could go on and on with so many more examples. I am sure that many can relate to these stories. Brene says that part of the problem with disappointment arising from stealth expectations is that we are often shocked and surprised by the intensity of our negativity and since we never communicated our expectations, we then force ourselves to take the high road and practice forgiveness. In prematurely doing that, we often suppress and conceal our emotions and try to put a positive spin on it. We urge ourselves, sometimes aggressively, to grow up, give the benefit of the doubt, not take it personally, let go, and move on. But that is easier said than done and we are upset with ourselves that we are unable to let go and the emotions continue to linger. This tension between the head and the heart can be exhausting!

Most of our relationship conflicts, especially in our marriages, are as a result of stealth expectations that have not been examined, made conscious, or expressed explicitly. So, what is the solution?

1. Dig deep into the intentions driving the expectations.

a. What expectations do you have going into any situation?

b. What do you want to happen?

c. Why? Is it stemming from love or fear?

d. What will it mean to you?

2. Reality-Check

a. Are your expectations reasonable?

b. Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside your control and power?

c. Are you writing scripts in your head for others?

d. Do you have a movie in your head?

e. How attached are you to this movie?

3. Communicate clearly

a. Make sure to clearly and succinctly communicate your expectations.

b. Allow space for negotiation and clarifying questions.

c. Set boundaries firmly, yet kindly.

d. When necessary, also outline consequences for boundary violations.

If I apply this model to my invitation for Navrathri, it would look like this.

1. Intentions: I want to create a meditative atmosphere for the festival with chanting, music, and silence. What I want to give my guests is an experience of communing with the Divine. I want to make a clear distinction that this is a sacred time of gathering for me and not a fun party. It will mean a lot to me if people walk away with a profound experience of divine connection albeit for a few seconds.

2. Reality-Check: I am expecting people to arrive on time and stay for the one hour of this meditative experience. I do not want to create disruptions and therefore want everyone to come on time and stay for the duration. I am giving everyone a chance to decline without taking it personally. I am also not taking responsibility for how everyone will experience the evening. My role is to just invite and do my best to create a soulful atmosphere. Rest is up to them.

3. Communicate: I clearly outline the expectations in my invite. Feel free to decline.

What about disappointments from examined and expressed expectations?

Clients sometimes ask me what to do when they clearly set expectations with friends and family members and some still choose to ignore them or violate boundaries. When we set expectations that are reasonable, realistic, intentional, clearly communicated and things still don’t turn out the way we want, disappointment arises. It hurts. Shockingly, a lot!

Why?

It hurts a lot because it took a lot of courage to be vulnerable and ask for what we want. Perhaps we get excited by our courage and hope for the best outcome. When that does not happen, we are deeply hurt and may even feel betrayed.

What now?

In these situations, it is important to first not take things personally. What I mean by that is to separate the person from the behavior. Do not attack the person. Rather focus on the behavioral pattern. The pattern is the problem, the person is not the problem.

In these situations, especially in case of family members and other valued relationships, it is important to keep the lines of communication open, circle back to them to address the issue, talk about your feelings, and most importantly move on to accountability. It is in this step, that most of us fail, especially in our intimate relationships. We fail to hold people accountable whether it is our children, spouse, close friends, parents, siblings, and in work settings, our leaders or close colleagues.

Without accountability and follow- through on consequences, we will not be able to heal the problematic pattern. Here is when we lean into the discomfort of holding someone accountable. As Brene says choose discomfort over resentment in long-term relationships.

Is the solution then to have very low expectations of life to minimize disappointment?

Some spiritual Gurus may say, “no expectations, no disappointments”. Many choose to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointed, observes Brene. But this choice can lead to numbing, cynicism, disengagement, foreboding joy, and perhaps depression. So, as Buddha might say, we may want to consider choosing the middle path — set realistic expectations and stay optimistic.

In summary,

Brene summarizes it best. “Disappointments maybe like papercuts, but if those cuts are deep enough or if we accumulate them over a lifetime, they can leave us seriously wounded. Yes, it takes courage to reality-check, communicate, and dig into intentions behind our expectations, but that exercise in vulnerability helps us maintain meaningful connection with ourselves and others”.