The “Good Girl” Syndrome

Vinutha Mohan | 4 min read · May 17, 2020

I was born and raised primarily in South India. I belong to an elite class of South Indians, affectionately nicknamed “TamBrams” (Tamil Brahmins). Tambrams in general, are brilliant intellectual snobs with severely repressed emotions, especially the sensual ones. It is understandable, after all we are descendants of the Priestly caste. As a young girl in this social environment, you are initiated into the “Good Girl” conditioning school, preferably as early as possible, perhaps even in the womb. You are taught that it is important to be seen, not heard; not to have too much expectations of life, not to have any sensual desires and to always, always wear a pleasant smile on your face. You are shown examples of revered women in our epics, women who put up with abuse, abandonment and marginalization, bearing it all with a gentle smile. When you get married (arranged of course, why would you even ask?), they recite the list of all these revered women, lest you should forget your obedience lessons and then the elderly wise women in your family ,with somber looks, whisper in their most serious and wise voice, ”whatever happens in your marriage, just ADJUST”. This word “Adjust” is a loaded legacy of Tambrams, passed down for about six thousand years maybe. Within it is built tolerance for everything: abuse, neglect, incompatibility, abandonment, addiction, philandering et.al. Now don’t get me wrong. If you dig really deep, there are some nuggets of wisdom about kindness, compassion, tolerance, reframing, taking in the good, gratitude etc. But how many of us dig deep? We barely question authority and take it all literally. So then this is the etiology of the “Good Girl” syndrome.

Fortunately, or unfortunately for me, my Mother seemed to have played hooky from the “Good Girl Obedience School”. She was anything but a good girl. So, she did not pass on any of this Adjustment disorder to me. As a young girl, growing up amongst hundreds of “Good Girl Aunties”, I was shocked and embarrassed by my Mom’s brazen disregard for the “Good Girl” virtues. Today, not a day goes by that I don’t thank her for not passing it on to me. So, of course I was quite a “badass” amongst all these good girls. To escape this setup, I ran away to America, as soon as I got done with my undergrad as I certainly did not fit in with the “good Girl” culture. Years later, when I became a therapist and had the opportunity to work with women from all parts of the world, imagine my shock and surprise when I found out that the “Good Girl” syndrome was a universal phenomenon spanning across all cultures and continents. So, my natural curiosity aroused, I started studying them.

Good Girls are some of the most unhappy human beings that I have met. They suffer from a low grade depression, anxiety and many psychosomatic disorders including migraines, gut problems, thyroid issues, ulcers and in some serious cases cancer of the organs of nurturance such as breast, ovaries etc. And their repressed anger is epic. Of course, I have no research data to prove this. Just an educated guess. They martyr themselves in their marriages, their mothering and at their work, faithfully nailing themselves to their cross, and of course smiling through it all. As they age, something breaks through and I know many of my friends who are struggling with their aging mothers who have become so passive-aggressive and resentful, that it has been challenging to manage them.

Good girls have only two reactions to me: they either adore me, because I represent all of their shadow side, or they fear me because their moms have warned them with stern looks to stay away from my influence. Sometimes, I have heard that warning from their husbands too. So, you guessed it right. I have several “good girls” as my best friends. I adore them, they are genuinely wonderful human beings and they bask in the knowledge that their badass girlfriend will always have their back. I voice everything that they would never dare to. I challenge their husbands and their parents/in-laws and I express everything that they would never dare to openly verbalize. And I constantly challenge them to break their good girl conditioning.

My biggest cheerleader was one of my dearest friends who I lost to cancer a few years ago. She was the epitome of the “good girl” conditioning and she adored her “badass” girlfriend. Every time I came out with a snarky comment, she would produce a background score for it that sounded like me chopping someone’s head off. It makes sense. After all I am a worshipper of Goddess Kali. Kali, for those who don’t know her, is the ultimate iconographic symbol for a badass Goddess. She is bare breasted, wears a skull necklace, tongue sticking out and is dancing on a corpse. Doesn’t get any more badass than that. So, my friend would constantly goad me to bring out that Kali energy in me and if I tried to tone it down, would lament that I had become too “boring” for her. So much so, that even as she lay dying on her hospital bed, she didn’t want me to tone it down. I would often joke, that if I ended up in “bad girl” hell, I was going to take her down with me.

Having grown up with constantly hearing praise for the “good girls”, occasionally I would have a twinge of longing to be called a “good girl” too. Then, I would look at my life — my fierce authenticity; the absolute honesty in my marriage; how safe my friends always feel around me, because they know exactly where they stand with me; how my clients find me refreshing; how my children and god children always come to me with their most vulnerable truths; how boundaried and drama-free my life is and I smile with the satisfaction of a well-fed Cheshire cat. For such a badass, I ended up with a life that every “Good Girl” dreams of. And I am grateful. Furthermore, I remind myself, “The World was seldom changed by well-behaved women”.